Leaving: Being a stranger to permanence and too acquainted with loneliness

If you had to choose, would you want to be the one who leaves? Or would you want to be left?

Based on experience, I’d rather be the latter. I’ve always had feelings of leaving loose ends when I go.

The first time I remember this happening was in the fourth grade. The classes were named after a flower I have now forgotten and a color (e.g. red rose). So, I was the only one in our friend group (there were three of us) to be put in a different class. I was in yellow, they were in red. I remember hating that school year so much because I felt left out, isolated. Although I don’t think my mother meant it, she kind of made me feel worse when she said something along the lines of “Ay, ba’t ganon? Kawawa ka naman!” (Why was it like that? You poor thing!)
We’ve been best friends and classmates since daycare and it was just plain upsetting to be apart from them. We still saw each other during recess, sometimes. To add insult to injury, I left the country at the end of the school year so the chances of being with them became even slimmer. Continue reading “Leaving: Being a stranger to permanence and too acquainted with loneliness”

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At a Crossroads

If I were to sum up the things I’ve learned in my college degree, it would be that:

  1. Communication and media can be used as a tool for human development in all aspects
  2. We (“development communicators”), by any means, cannot impose our values or opinions to the marginalized; we are merely facilitators of development
  3. Last but absolutely not the least, the golden rule of development communication: know your audience

The last one is my personal favorite because creating person-centered messages makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Kind of. It’s like making a unique and personalized present for a friend (i.e. your stakeholders). Then again, from a different perspective, I think this is a marketing tool as well? (Correct me if I’m wrong. I don’t know much about marketing.)

  • Having said that, devcom and marketing are two sides of the same coin; communication being the coin lol
    • it’s just that you have a different purpose for each: devcom, to facilitate change; marketing, to sell.
    • both need to do research among the stakeholders/market before doing any campaigns or programs
  • I hope you learned something from this segment, as I am posting this mostly on my behalf in an effort to clear my head.

Continue reading “At a Crossroads”

Adjusting

[rant] I still don’t know why I’m here. It’s like my soul is experiencing sleep paralysis and instead of not being able to move my limbs, I can’t move my physical body to a different country. Before we came here, although I already had the urge to not leave, I didn’t think it would grow to be this strong. I told my mother. In turn, she told be to just book an earlier flight. Should I? Should I actually buy a plane ticket after getting my first salary?
(Very tempting.)

Besides having feelings of not wanting to be here, I’m also not liking the idea of being around my parents. Back in university (i.e. ~3 months ago), I guess I enjoyed being away from them too much? Somehow, being around them hinders me from being who I want to be, from doing whatever I want to do. It’s like my brain goes into “sheep mode”, as in, I’m going to have to live up to their standards and do what they want me to do even if I don’t want to. [bleats]

Although they claim to be supportive of what I want to do, why does it feel like they’re only supportive of what they want me to do (e.g. get a job ASAP instead of letting me take a break)? h a l p

Adulthood…?

(Yes, I will post the “updates” entry. Soon.)

We all had a dream job when we were kids, right? We wanted to become doctors, astronauts, chefs, and lawyers. We wanted to become adults for different reasons.

At some point during elementary, I wanted to become a fashion designer. (I don’t know how or why I wanted to become one? Maybe because I liked dressing up Barbie. I don’t know. Then I wanted to become a dentist, which was ironic because I always found trips to the dentist to be awful (to this day). Around high school, I wanted to be a graphic designer. It was Tumblr’s “peak” then. Most of my friends had a blog there and other people would post doodles and whatnot. I remember envying those who got thousands and thousands of notes for something that looks simple and raw. So I made one of my own, but I didn’t post in on my blog. A friend saw me doodling once in class, though, and she told me that I probably should get a degree in graphic designing or something. And so I did. Continue reading “Adulthood…?”

I am demotivated.

Before I publish updates I mentioned in the previous entry, let me tell you about how I have lost the energy to do (most) academic-related tasks. Before, I was able to recuperate, to regain my lost energy, after being low-key for about a week or two. For about a month now, I haven’t been doing anything “heavy”. I was supposed to feel motivated. Now I feel like a worn out battery that needs replacing.

I think it began this semester. I can’t point out exactly when, but eventually, I wasn’t as eager to do group work, to write reports and do the laboratory exercises. I felt like my mind and body were “done” even before I actually became done being a student.

Is this what it feels like to be a senior? No one told me about the possibility of being burnt out (almost to the point of no return) after years and years of being subjected to anxiety-inducing, sleep-depriving tasks that are supposed to help us get a good job after getting out of the university.