Adulthood…?

(Yes, I will post the “updates” entry. Soon.)

We all had a dream job when we were kids, right? We wanted to become doctors, astronauts, chefs, and lawyers. We wanted to become adults for different reasons.

At some point during elementary, I wanted to become a fashion designer. (I don’t know how or why I wanted to become one? Maybe because I liked dressing up Barbie. I don’t know. Then I wanted to become a dentist, which was ironic because I always found trips to the dentist to be awful (to this day). Around high school, I wanted to be a graphic designer. It was Tumblr’s “peak” then. Most of my friends had a blog there and other people would post doodles and whatnot. I remember envying those who got thousands and thousands of notes for something that looks simple and raw. So I made one of my own, but I didn’t post in on my blog. A friend saw me doodling once in class, though, and she told me that I probably should get a degree in graphic designing or something. And so I did.

… Well, my degree didn’t exactly focus on visual communication or graphic designing but it allowed me to exercise my skills in creating visual, audio, and audio-visual media. Plus I was able to further practice my skills in the student organizations I was a part of, so I think I somehow… achieved that goal. I couldn’t help but feel underqualified though, so every time I look for jobs online, I feel quite reluctant to apply (besides the fact that my resume needs updating).

Going back to the childhood dream job thing, when I was in primary and secondary school, I only had my eyes on getting a degree. Now that I’m about to (hopefully) finish college I am scared shitless because I wasn’t able to visualize this part of my life. While other people my age are excited and triumphant about the fact that they can do whatever they want with their life, here I am, stressed after realizing that I have my whole life ahead of me without a “decided” path (I don’t know how else to word it).

Living is scary, you guys. I can now understand what Hayley means in this song.

How the fuck am I scared of freedom, though? I should be thankful. I am able to exercise my independence. Then again, who wouldn’t be scared in a competitive world where your skills have to be at par or better with people around your age so you can earn decent money (and a bunch of other issues I can’t quite wrap my head around such as politics in the office, possible discrimination, etc.)

I wish I was more passionate about my goals so I wouldn’t have to be stuck at a crossroads right now.

TL;DR – The adult world terrifies me and I don’t think I’m prepared for it yet.