I swear to God, this will be the last time.

If you’ve been following my blog, you might have noticed a few common major themes: leaving, being left out, and/or loneliness.

I often blamed it on circumstance, saying that I didn’t have a choice because I was young or that it was just not meant to be. There are times though when I held myself responsible for my actions and although I feel like shit afterward, I should (re)learn to be accountable. I can’t always blame it on external factors; I’m given freedom and I should use it. I guess I’m just not used to being able to make major decisions in my life because I’ve always relied on my parents in this department. When I did try to make not-so-major decisions, they would reason out, give a more logical answer, then I’d get tired arguing so then I’d just let them do what they want me to do.

It’s frustrating.
If you’ve got Asian parents, you’d know this, I bet (unless you grew up around [more or less] laissez-faire parents).

What pushed me to write this is, again, because of my absence from my friends’ big, whole day hangout thingy. This is the second one I missed! I very rarely find people I truly care about so I take extra time and effort to make sure I’m present, one way or another (also I feel lonely fairly often which is weird because I live with my family and they’re good. As in, there isn’t anything to worry about. This calls for a different post).

The last time I felt this was just months ago when they celebrated a friend’s birthday. They hung out for two days. Two whole days! I don’t think I’ve ever done that before and for as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to spend more than a whole day with a bunch of my friends. I’m happy for them but at the same time, I was just so frustrated, wishing I was there instead of being in a desert ran by the bourgeoisie and consumerism. I felt like there was a black hole in my chest just— sucking in all the positivity and hope in my body. To be honest, I could go on about this over and over but I don’t want to bore you with the details I probably already said in other blog posts. The point is, I’m sad and unlike other events in my life, I have control now. I am in control of my actions, of my life. I’m no longer allowing my fate to be steered by other things besides the decisions I make and I’m going to start today.

(In my head this all sounds very encouraging and empowering but deep inside I know that I’m only going to push through with this if I stopped being shy and self-conscious. lol)

Thanks for stopping by!


Note to self: Stop waiting for the time you’re “ready” (in any context). You are ready.

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Leaving: Being a stranger to permanence and too acquainted with loneliness

If you had to choose, would you want to be the one who leaves? Or would you want to be left?

Based on experience, I’d rather be the latter. I’ve always had feelings of leaving loose ends when I go.

The first time I remember this happening was in the fourth grade. The classes were named after a flower I have now forgotten and a color (e.g. red rose). So, I was the only one in our friend group (there were three of us) to be put in a different class. I was in yellow, they were in red. I remember hating that school year so much because I felt left out, isolated. Although I don’t think my mother meant it, she kind of made me feel worse when she said something along the lines of “Ay, ba’t ganon? Kawawa ka naman!” (Why was it like that? You poor thing!)
We’ve been best friends and classmates since daycare and it was just plain upsetting to be apart from them. We still saw each other during recess, sometimes. To add insult to injury, I left the country at the end of the school year so the chances of being with them became even slimmer. Continue reading “Leaving: Being a stranger to permanence and too acquainted with loneliness”

At a Crossroads

If I were to sum up the things I’ve learned in my college degree, it would be that:

  1. Communication and media can be used as a tool for human development in all aspects
  2. We (“development communicators”), by any means, cannot impose our values or opinions to the marginalized; we are merely facilitators of development
  3. Last but absolutely not the least, the golden rule of development communication: know your audience

The last one is my personal favorite because creating person-centered messages makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Kind of. It’s like making a unique and personalized present for a friend (i.e. your stakeholders). Then again, from a different perspective, I think this is a marketing tool as well? (Correct me if I’m wrong. I don’t know much about marketing.)

  • Having said that, devcom and marketing are two sides of the same coin; communication being the coin lol
    • it’s just that you have a different purpose for each: devcom, to facilitate change; marketing, to sell.
    • both need to do research among the stakeholders/market before doing any campaigns or programs
  • I hope you learned something from this segment, as I am posting this mostly on my behalf in an effort to clear my head.

Continue reading “At a Crossroads”

Adjusting

[rant] I still don’t know why I’m here. It’s like my soul is experiencing sleep paralysis and instead of not being able to move my limbs, I can’t move my physical body to a different country. Before we came here, although I already had the urge to not leave, I didn’t think it would grow to be this strong. I told my mother. In turn, she told be to just book an earlier flight. Should I? Should I actually buy a plane ticket after getting my first salary?
(Very tempting.)

Besides having feelings of not wanting to be here, I’m also not liking the idea of being around my parents. Back in university (i.e. ~3 months ago), I guess I enjoyed being away from them too much? Somehow, being around them hinders me from being who I want to be, from doing whatever I want to do. It’s like my brain goes into “sheep mode”, as in, I’m going to have to live up to their standards and do what they want me to do even if I don’t want to. [bleats]

Although they claim to be supportive of what I want to do, why does it feel like they’re only supportive of what they want me to do (e.g. get a job ASAP instead of letting me take a break)? h a l p