If you’ve been following my blog, you might have noticed a few common major themes: leaving, being left out, and/or loneliness.
I often blamed it on circumstance, saying that I didn’t have a choice because I was young or that it was just not meant to be. There are times though when I held myself responsible for my actions and although I feel like shit afterward, I should (re)learn to be accountable. I can’t always blame it on external factors; I’m given freedom and I should use it. I guess I’m just not used to being able to make major decisions in my life because I’ve always relied on my parents in this department. When I did try to make not-so-major decisions, they would reason out, give a more logical answer, then I’d get tired arguing so then I’d just let them do what they want me to do.
If you’ve got Asian parents, you’d know this, I bet (unless you grew up around [more or less] laissez-faire parents).
What pushed me to write this is, again, because of my absence from my friends’ big, whole day hangout thingy. This is the second one I missed! I very rarely find people I truly care about so I take extra time and effort to make sure I’m present, one way or another (also I feel lonely fairly often which is weird because I live with my family and they’re good. As in, there isn’t anything to worry about. This calls for a different post).
The last time I felt this was just months ago when they celebrated a friend’s birthday. They hung out for two days. Two whole days! I don’t think I’ve ever done that before and for as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to spend more than a whole day with a bunch of my friends. I’m happy for them but at the same time, I was just so frustrated, wishing I was there instead of being in a desert ran by the bourgeoisie and consumerism. I felt like there was a black hole in my chest just— sucking in all the positivity and hope in my body. To be honest, I could go on about this over and over but I don’t want to bore you with the details I probably already said in other blog posts. The point is, I’m sad and unlike other events in my life, I have control now. I am in control of my actions, of my life. I’m no longer allowing my fate to be steered by other things besides the decisions I make and I’m going to start today.
(In my head this all sounds very encouraging and empowering but deep inside I know that I’m only going to push through with this if I stopped being shy and self-conscious. lol)
Thanks for stopping by!
Note to self: Stop waiting for the time you’re “ready” (in any context). You are ready.