I’ve always been a night person.

I remember my dad telling me a story about how he was telling my young self that when the lights go out, I should go to sleep, but I didn’t and I just kept looking at him. This was around 2 am if I remember correctly.

(I’m not good at telling stories, but I swear it’s amusing when he tells it.)

It has its perks. I’m more productive, especially when I haven’t done anything exhausting during the day. My head is clearer, even, especially if only the reading lamp is on and I have good music on. Plus I get to think (and write) about things I wouldn’t normally think about when the sun’s out. I don’t know why; I haven’t read much about it. On weekends, I get to have a marathon of the TV series I watching. Yes! (This was before sophomore year in college, though. *sigh.)

Being able to stay up all night has its downsides, too.

Continue reading “”

I constantly need someone to hold me because I can’t hold myself together.

Seriously.

Like a turtle.

I can’t help seeing myself as a typical turtle who would hide in its shell whenever it sees a threat. In my case, the threat would be people in general and the shell would be my mind; I would purposely shut strangers out because I’d get too anxious to talk to anybody. And when I get anxious, I’d start stuttering, I’d spew out nonsense, then end up embarrassing myself more often than not. This only happens usually in classrooms though. But if I’m out and about, bumping into people wouldn’t be much of a problem, if I don’t find them annoying or intimidating and vice versa.

It’s not as if I don’t try to reach out to other people other than my group of friends.

I did 
and the results were discouraging.

All that we, my former “coursemates” who I could not consider as “friends-friends” yet, talked about were how things have been in my degree. They’ve shifted to other courses, so it would be natural for that to be conversation topic. However, after I’ve answered their questions and I’ve threw my own back at them, only awkward looks, chuckles, and silences ensued.

It was one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve felt to this day.

That happened during lunch so we were facing each other. I felt somewhat helpless during that time because even if I wanted to say something witty or worth talking about, my brain produced nothing.
…Well, it did come up something, but it would not help our situation because they were questions that people wouldn’t normally ask when they’re with acquaintances.

How do you get by in situations like these? Will you come up with an escape plan to get away from the horrible awkwardness?

I don’t know how I’ve managed to have friends over the years with this kind of disposition, though I can’t remember being anxious around them the first time we met.

Maybe it has something to do with how they present themselves..?
Or maybe it has something to do with how confident enough I feel on the day I meet them.

Either way, thinking, feeling, living like this has been difficult for the past years and I don’t know how long I’m going to be like this. I hope I get over it soon though.

I wouldn’t want to keep hiding in my shell ‘til the end of time.