Leaving: Being a stranger to permanence and too acquainted with loneliness

If you had to choose, would you want to be the one who leaves? Or would you want to be left?

Based on experience, I’d rather be the latter. I’ve always had feelings of leaving loose ends when I go.

The first time I remember this happening was in the fourth grade. The classes were named after a flower I have now forgotten and a color (e.g. red rose). So, I was the only one in our friend group (there were three of us) to be put in a different class. I was in yellow, they were in red. I remember hating that school year so much because I felt left out, isolated. Although I don’t think my mother meant it, she kind of made me feel worse when she said something along the lines of “Ay, ba’t ganon? Kawawa ka naman!” (Why was it like that? You poor thing!)
We’ve been best friends and classmates since daycare and it was just plain upsetting to be apart from them. We still saw each other during recess, sometimes. To add insult to injury, I left the country at the end of the school year so the chances of being with them became even slimmer. Continue reading “Leaving: Being a stranger to permanence and too acquainted with loneliness”


At a Crossroads

If I were to sum up the things I’ve learned in my college degree, it would be that:

  1. Communication and media can be used as a tool for human development in all aspects
  2. We (“development communicators”), by any means, cannot impose our values or opinions to the marginalized; we are merely facilitators of development
  3. Last but absolutely not the least, the golden rule of development communication: know your audience

The last one is my personal favorite because creating person-centered messages makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Kind of. It’s like making a unique and personalized present for a friend (i.e. your stakeholders). Then again, from a different perspective, I think this is a marketing tool as well? (Correct me if I’m wrong. I don’t know much about marketing.)

  • Having said that, devcom and marketing are two sides of the same coin; communication being the coin lol
    • it’s just that you have a different purpose for each: devcom, to facilitate change; marketing, to sell.
    • both need to do research among the stakeholders/market before doing any campaigns or programs
  • I hope you learned something from this segment, as I am posting this mostly on my behalf in an effort to clear my head.

Continue reading “At a Crossroads”


[rant] I still don’t know why I’m here. It’s like my soul is experiencing sleep paralysis and instead of not being able to move my limbs, I can’t move my physical body to a different country. Before we came here, although I already had the urge to not leave, I didn’t think it would grow to be this strong. I told my mother. In turn, she told be to just book an earlier flight. Should I? Should I actually buy a plane ticket after getting my first salary?
(Very tempting.)

Besides having feelings of not wanting to be here, I’m also not liking the idea of being around my parents. Back in university (i.e. ~3 months ago), I guess I enjoyed being away from them too much? Somehow, being around them hinders me from being who I want to be, from doing whatever I want to do. It’s like my brain goes into “sheep mode”, as in, I’m going to have to live up to their standards and do what they want me to do even if I don’t want to. [bleats]

Although they claim to be supportive of what I want to do, why does it feel like they’re only supportive of what they want me to do (e.g. get a job ASAP instead of letting me take a break)? h a l p

note to self 07

Dear you,


You know what you should do.
You know your strengths, you know your flaws.

You know, all too well, that you have a tendency to cling on too much, to give too much to the people you value.

You have to take a step back every once in a while.

They are not collector’s edition artifacts that you can keep to yourself.
They are human.

I know you hang out with these people because they give you joy you can’t find within yourself.

Maybe that’s where you should begin.
Learn how to be happy with yourself, for starters.

Then you’d learn how to live without depending, without needing to be around other people to make yourself happy. You could leave the place without feeling as if you left a part of yourself you can’t recover.

Growing up, growing tired.

It’s almost 12:30 in the morning and I’m taking a short break from writing the review of related literature for my proposal, which was due two weeks ago (I’m surprised my adviser hasn’t emailed me about how overdue this chapter is. Haha). I’m not as motivated as I want to be so I’ve been doing what pushed me, what helped me survive freshman year — I listen to Christmas songs. Continue reading “Growing up, growing tired.”