[rant] I still don’t know why I’m here. It’s like my soul is experiencing sleep paralysis and instead of not being able to move my limbs, I can’t move my physical body to a different country. Before we came here, although I already had the urge to not leave, I didn’t think it would grow to be this strong. I told my mother. In turn, she told be to just book an earlier flight. Should I? Should I actually buy a plane ticket after getting my first salary?
Besides having feelings of not wanting to be here, I’m also not liking the idea of being around my parents. Back in university (i.e. ~3 months ago), I guess I enjoyed being away from them too much? Somehow, being around them hinders me from being who I want to be, from doing whatever I want to do. It’s like my brain goes into “sheep mode”, as in, I’m going to have to live up to their standards and do what they want me to do even if I don’t want to. [bleats]
Although they claim to be supportive of what I want to do, why does it feel like they’re only supportive of what they want me to do (e.g. get a job ASAP instead of letting me take a break)? h a l p
Every weekend, I’d take a mental note of all the things that need to be done over the following days. Sometimes, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. When I do, I start becoming all anxious and worried; afterward, I’d become petrified by the tasks. Not today, though. Instead of becoming petrified by my responsibilities, I took a metaphorical step back and analyzed and realized that I’m nothing but a tiny part of the world, of the galaxy, of the universe.
Will it matter if I ace the exams this week?
Will it matter if I do my part on the class output?
In five years or so, will the things I do now matter then?
(I think it will because I’m not typically this insightful. I figure that, by that time, I wouldn’t think of myself as… tiny. Haha.)
Do you know what I miss doing? Writing without the pressure brought about by professors.
Recently, the only writing I’ve been doing is for my requirements (e.g. thesis, lab reports).
I miss the feeling the surge of creativity whenever I write something raw and real.
I miss the thrill of writing about the adventures my friends and I did.
I miss feeling all mushy when I write about sad things.
I miss typing on the keyboard so rapidly as if slowing down will make me lose the story I was in the process of telling.
Hell, I miss the thrill of having something to tell.
You know how Jack Sparrow’s compass will point you in the direction of the thing you want the most? If I had his compass right now, the pin wouldn’t be pointing north or south but it would be spinning uncontrollably.
Because I don’t know what I want.
Being indecisive has always been a problem for me. From picking what to eat at lunch to picking the shirt I’ll wear for the day. I don’t even know how this came to be; I guess I was born with it? How do you even train your brain to just go ahead and pick one thing? How can you stop considering other options when deciding?
I’m in the process of writing my undergraduate thesis proposal (which is why I haven’t been posting lately) and my indecisiveness is getting in the way! My initial plan was to do research about how OFWs communicate with their children in the Philippines but it seemed too broad. I asked a couple of my friends and they suggested that maybe I should do research on how the said parents talk about reproductive health with their children. I consulted my adviser about this and she told me that still, it was too broad. She asked about which aspect of reproductive health I wanted to do research about, and I told her that I’m still going to read more about it. To be honest, though, I only jumped at the opportunity because it felt nice to know that my proposal is going somewhere. The day I talked to her about the reproductive health thing, I realized that I’m not as interested as I should about the topic. One of my professors told me the previous semester that when doing research, we should pick the topic that interests us as much as possible so we won’t lose motivation in the middle of the study.
Now, I was thinking, what if I studied about how the parents provide guidance and support to their left-behind children? After all, I’m a child of OFW parents. I can relate to this topic on a more personal level, so I was thinking that creating a “path” for this topic will be easier than the reproductive health thing. However, it looks like the answer for this study is too… obvious. I have yet to read more articles about support and guidance of parents abroad but, don’t you think that Facebook or Skype is the most common media they use to talk to their kids?
I seriously need to talk to my adviser about this. Ugh.
Thanks for reading though!